Naked Philosophy

Little Swimmer

2011-06-04T16:28:00.000-07:00

Aidan is now swimming on his own. It's taken a while but at age 5 1/2 (6 in 2 weeks), he has accomplished something many people including myself havent;

It's mommy's turn next.

Attack and Release

2011-05-07T16:40:00.000-07:00

Your softly spoken words
Release my whole desire
Undenied
Totally

And so bare is my heart, I can't hide
And so where does my heart, belong

Beneath your tender touch
My senses can't divide
Ohh so strong
My desire

For so bare is my heart, I can't hide
And so where does my heart, belong

Now that I've found you
And seen behind those eyes
How can I
Carry on

For so bare is my heart, I can't hide
And so where does my heart, belong

Belong
Belong
Belong

- Portishead

Dont mind me, i'm just deliriously happy.

I had one frame left on the roll so I took a self portrait Portrait. 35mm Arista 400

Mr Wonderful

2011-03-18T19:10:00.000-07:00

- Mr Wonderful Ilford Delta 100

Fragility

2011-02-27T07:47:00.000-08:00

Aidan was evaluated in January by a psychologist and she also interviewed us a month before that. In combination with that, and the other evaluation he had two years ago and all the tests/reports from teachers/therapists etc the results are he isnt "autistic enough" to be labeled with Autism. Basically he is a very sweet, caring, and social boy who makes verbal and eye contact with everyone so that wont have enough of a big impact on his socialization and life to be labeled autistic. - More on that at the end. He needs to be treated as a child with Fragile X Syndrome which indicates he has delays in communication, speech, and language.

His i.q. is 41. He is Moderately mentally challenged on the levels of : Mild, Moderate, Profound, and Severe. His mind is that of a 2 1/2 year old. The recommendation for progression is one on one care in school, at home, and at therapy. Problem with that is the integrated school he goes to is a giant piece of shit and we dont think there is an aid with him while he is there a lot of the time when it's crucial he needs this otherwise he is just flapping his arms and going around in circles with overload. He needs direction and a small classroom so the good news to that is, he has been accepted to a school (for the fall) that specializes in developmentally disabled kids. The classroom has a maximum of 8 kids so he will get the aid and attention he needs. So now that we have a foundation to work from the actual work starts.

I'm indifferent about this simply because of the fact we've been told he was Autistic for 3 years now and now they are saying basically; "yeah well pretend that never happened." So I need to ignore what has been shoved down my throat and know that he is just moderately mentally challenged which is a great thing but it's a transition. Also we will continue to argue with the school and pay visits to them making sure he has an aid there. It's maddening how broken the school systems are and they only really care about money.

Aside from that it's a productive and new day. He can only go up from here and I couldnt be more thrilled. I have some personal thoughts that i'm going to keep to myself but clarity has been achieved and it feels like we've broken through the proverbial brick wall.

My sweet little bundle of joy.

Happiness is Contagious

2011-02-22T11:01:00.000-08:00

There have been some personal changes in my life, that while feel very right and freeing, have a bit of melancholy sprinkled in there as well. Such is life right? Changes are a good thing, but it doesnt mean they come easy. I suppose if life were easy we'd all be quite bored to death.

In my 30 years on this earth I have met some amazing, trying, and interesting people for good and for worse. Beating ones self up over a decision out of love isnt a good thing to do. Most of us feel, love, and learn and that last word is really the key in evolving. Sometimes they are great decisions and sometimes they arent. The point is to learn what works for you and makes you happy.

Tomorrow is a very important day. Aidan's father and I go to his psychological evaluation results to determine how much progress he has made and where he fits in amongst others. Whatever the outcome is, we know we've done and continue to do everything we can to help him grow and learn and we are proud of who he has become and the amazing progress he has made in the past year. I have to remember to be positive while being realistic as well. It's a difficult balance but when I see Aidan's smile and hear him say new words all the time including "gremolata" from Rachael Ray. I just smile and feel that amazing feeling that is, unconditional love.

I looked up one afternoon and noticed he decided to put a bowl on his head because he thought it was funny. Laughter is contagious... so is happiness.

The Blues and the Brain

2011-02-07T09:51:00.000-08:00

In Houston on a layover to one of only 5 states I havent been to - New Mexico. I'm looking forward to it, but traveling for me allows time to think. I've recently found myself in a bit of a "blue period" to put it hilariously artist-like. Except I havent been creating much of anything as a photographer. I'm generally an optimistic and happy person but there are certain situations and people that can effect behavior and moods. While I value everyone in my life, sometimes, a couple can be draining. Perhaps this comes from my curious interest in people in general and I love listening to them and how/why they are the way they are. I find very honest friendships a lot of the times in this... and sometimes lovers. But a lot of the time I grow and learn and it isnt with them.

I was sitting in a restaurant reading an article in Discover magazine on the human brain from ages 6-29. In short, science and psychology come together to prove something that is common knowledge - people in certain age ranges make rash, and a lot of the times bad decisions. Basically, in the end it is suspected there is a neurological gap. The rush of hormones helps drive the reward system network toward maturity, but those hormones do nothing to speed up the cognitive control network. Instead it slowly matures. Until it catches up people between certain age ranges are stuck with strong responses to rewards without much of a compensating response to associated risks. The problem with this is, evolution does not operate quickly enough to have responded to such factors.

With a lot of humanity, we sometimes like to justify the decisions we make because, well we made them and we think they are right. Only later to hopefully learn why we made such decisions and not accept them as any different than similar things others do on a wide spectrum. We arent any different than any other human on a base level, but we of course have become a bit naive and think that we are.

I've found that surrounding myself with people who accept who they are without justifications/judgments/arguments are people I admire and really get along with. I, of course know, I am growing and maturing all the time. We've all made decisions we look back and say; "what was I thinking?" Well, as explained earlier reward and cognitive dont quite catch up with each other fast enough. I can accept this and laugh about it and perhaps have a story to tell about the past.

Age and maturity, along with self awareness come into play and only that. To argue this, would be arguing proven science and something an elder person has told us at one time, because well, they were "wise". Indeed they were.

Naked Nerd. - Jaroslaw. Tampa Florida January 2011

Blogger Evolution

2011-01-12T20:06:00.000-08:00

Reading over a friend's dissecting of his blog I noticed he was sort of editing his life... that got me thinking about my recent cleaning of my closet. Not the proverbial one.. the one with clothes and that thing from the 90's you have no idea why you preserved...

Cleaning my closet, since i'm a fairly clean and organized person isnt that hard of a job to do. But when I pulled out certain newspaper clippings from 10 years ago I realized I actually keep things worth keeping. Besides the 2 bears won at a theme park from my then significant other now my son's father.. I found letters from a friend I had been a pen pal with for the better part of 10 years from age 12. I met him in person to realize we had nothing in common but I kept that part of my youth.

We all learn from ourselves and now with the internet it's easier to be lazy and forget you wrote that crazy sentence back in 07 (did I really just say 2007 and "back in" during the same sentence?)... The point being, we're in the information age. If you write/say/do something own up to it.

Wikileaks may be the best current example of this but really trace back that blog from 1-5 years ago.

It's called evolving, with a larger audience.

Little man. Arista 400:

Beauty of Decay

2011-01-08T09:02:00.000-08:00

I'm currently sitting on my couch post snuggling with my little guy while watching his 'girlfriend' Rachael Ray on a very cold snowy Columbus Saturday. I plan on shooting a roll of him today.. it's been far too long.

My upcoming travel plans include much warmer places than Ohio.. North Carolina, Tampa, and Santa Fe/Albuquerque. New Mexico is one of the only 7 states I havent been to, so I am thrilled.

Until then i'm headed up to Detroit to shoot in some of the beautiful abandoned structures there. I rarely do self portraits outside of my own bedroom or hotel room so this will be a new challenge for me. Not only do I find beauty in these spaces, but it's also a little saddening to see a fine American city in decay almost directly due to the auto industry. However, there is a a few good art communities around that area that find beauty there, so who knows what the next 10-20 years have in store for Detwah.

This image is 5 1/2 years old. I was 8 months pregnant modeling in an abandoned mental hospital in Pittsburgh. It's also a very special moment as Aidan was kicking me....

Ethan Long 2005

Unconditional

2010-12-20T13:12:00.000-08:00

My odometer light has gone out in my car. I dont think i'm quite at 200k yet, but very nearly there. After a busy year and especially busy fall, I am very excited to ring in the New Year with new opportunities. Every year I grow as a person and try to live life to the fullest of my ability while having wonderful people right along with me.

I finally finished my last shoot of the year yesterday. I drove home from Indianapolis under a clear sky and blueish appearing snow under a full moon. It just reminded me how lucky we all are to see such a gorgeous site as the vast space backdrop each night. We have evolved from nothing, and we need to treasure our precious lives here. What better time of the year to remind ourselves this?

I know I am... and i'm also lucky this surprise is in my life. I am of the opinion there is no positive emotion felt by humans than unconditional love. He has taught me this;

Jupiter!

2010-11-10T05:52:00.000-08:00

I've officially put 6,000 miles on my car in a month, and what a great month it has been. From St Paul to Boston to North Carolina to Rochester.

Headed to The Emerald City (Seattle) and Vancouver next week to see some of my favorite people in the world.

Until then, watch Aidan recite the planets;

Everywhere I Go...

2010-10-08T20:21:00.000-07:00

I am amazed at the life, the thinking, the learning, and the laughing. Listening to The Black Keys on repeat for 1/3 of my 12 hour drive back.. set me free.

It only gets better from here.

Mark Haskins August 2010 - The Upper Peninsula of Michigan

First Aidan Video

2010-09-29T08:09:00.000-07:00

I do not have a video camera but I do have a few videos to share, which would give you a better idea of the character and personality of my little angel.

Getting Into The Groove

2010-09-27T15:28:00.000-07:00

I'm the happiest i've been in my life in a very long time. Well I am always happy for the most part so let's just say on the spectrum of happy i'm an 8 out of 10 currently. Timing is a hell of a thing....

I flew into Texas this morning with the hopes the weather wouldnt be stereotypical Texas and shockingly it wasnt. It is currently 78 degrees and partly cloudy. I'm looking forward to shooting in sand dunes and of course the studio this week with a photographer I havent worked with in almost 5 years. I get to meet some of the most amazing people doing what I love.

October is turning out to be a busy month for me. I'll be everywhere from Chicago, to Boston, to North Carolina. I couldnt be happier. I plan on traveling the globe all next year. I'm very excited and truly happy.

So take a moment to reflect on the awesome things life has to offer. Relish in the fact we only live once, live life to the fullest you can and smile smile smile.

photo by the fabulous Michael Cordiez in Vancouver. I love Canadians.

"It's Waves Right There!"

2010-09-18T06:00:00.000-07:00

Aidan said his first 4 word sentence i've heard while looking at my phone and the beautiful pictures of Shi Shi. I'm so proud of him. He keeps excelling by leaps and bounds.

I have been looking for philosophy to read lately (as it has been far too long) but sometimes I should look at the simple philosophy in front of me. I could take something from living in the moment with Aidan and apply that to my own personal life and the goals in it. Why focus on 10 years down the road when living in the moment feels so much more amazing and real? It seems that people tend to get too focused on worrying about what they're going to be doing in ten years, or what their life is supposed to be compared to everyone else, which is really society's fault. "Figuring yourself out" is a process of life but to get too focused on it you really lose sight of the important things right in front of you and some have been the entire time...

Marine life;

One of the most brilliant sunsets ive ever witness captured by a crappy phone but I remember it very vividly...

Tide Pools;

Sea stack;

My heaven.

Camping, Lakes, Dunes, Oh My!

2010-08-28T06:13:00.000-07:00

Just arriving home from a wonderful trip to the Upper Peninsula of Michigan and the Leelanau Peninsula in Michigan. It was gorgeous, dunes, waterfalls, forests, lakes, beach, and of course camping!

Well here i'll let the pictures talk (go easy they are just snaps);

Sleeping Bear Dunes National Park:

No camping meal is complete without a Bass;

Whitefish Point, Lake Superior:

Taquamenon River (our campsite):

Sable Dunes in Pictured Rocks National Lakeshore:

Next week is the Olympic National Park in Washington!

Life Lessons

2010-08-02T05:36:00.000-07:00

Random;

Knowing i'm here on this earth to help people, it's in my nature, my blood is rewarding in so many ways... sometimes it hurts.

Sometimes we must let the ones we love go and hope they come back. We cant save people from themselves. They must do the work themselves and FOR themselves. Only then can everything be positive and clear.

http://www.vimeo.com/6285221

I cant wait to visit heaven in 4 weeks. I am counting down... A place to beautiful, so magical, I hope to one day live there.

Until then, I must help a little blonde guy get through life. In that process he is teaching me to never give up. That little person is my everything. I can only hope he is touching others lives even a fraction of the way he touches mine.

Here he is engaging in imaginary play which is a huge breakthrough;

My heart;

Grainy Baby

2010-07-07T06:10:00.000-07:00

I am currently sitting in a McDonald's in the middle of nowhere upstate New York waiting on 10:30 shoot. I've had a productive trip. I havent been here before and I noticed a few things, it's huge, it's pretty, and there are a lot of colleges, businesses, and just interesting things here. Corning glass, Cornell, RIT, Kodak... yeah a non existent Kodak. I was shooting with a guy who explained he used to work at Kodak in Rochester and explained he had a 4x5 camera with film just sitting in his fridge. I went down to look at his darkroom and was amazed at how much equipment he had as well as the fact it was organized.. almost too organized...

He then explained he hadnt used it in quite some time and how he bought most of the equipment at yard sales. Including his $3000 enlarger for... $100. Yes One-hundred dollars. My jaw dropped to the floor. We are really transitioning out of this medium and I just cant believe it. Film makes me think. I operate on the fact I really think about the image before I click the shutter. None of my cameras have a "cloudy/sun/people" setting on them. They dont think for me, they force me to think. Not to say everyone uses digital cameras that way and film is better I just prefer the f-stop, shutter speed, and iso setting... and well that's it. It literally forces me to think about my shot after I have the idea or see the image in my head. I create better images this way. It's for me... I can only hope it will last another 50 years but I digress...

I also watched an Annie Leibovitz documentary last night. She grew up a lot like I did and thought the same way I did. The way I saw a picture was through the square image of my dad's window on his 1982 Chevy Silverado due to moving constantly from his welding life. I remember thinking how I wished I had a camera to document our lives....we loved it. My dad had a polariod and I started using that. I acquired a 110 camera from my uncle at age 10. Photographing my sister crying because I wouldnt give her my camera to get her way.

My mother asked; "why did you photograph her like that? She is crying not smiling!" I simply said; "because that is who she is."....

This is probably my favorite portrait of the most important person in my life waking up. He is so beautiful when he wakes up and I am inspired now to document even more than I have;

taken with an Agfa 6x9. Tri X 400.

Intolerance

2010-05-21T21:38:00.000-07:00

I had an experience tonight that made me think a lot...

I was in a restaurant tonight with Aidan's father, his friend and her 11 year old daughter. Aidan was very hyper sensitive and I quickly remembered why I didnt take him out in public places due to the reaction of most of the people.

He was swinging the cord on the blinds, jumping up and down flapping his arms in the booth, grabbing the bottle of sauce and making noise with it on the table etc. All I kept focusing on was calming him down. We all understood at the table but no one else did.

These sorts of things make me angry that I have to teach a child who doesnt understand empathy, social behaviors or the repercussions to act like he does as a routine instead of educating the masses of him.

But I digress..

On a happier note an 11 year old understood him more than 99% of the adults in the room. He kissed her of course.

His scribbles to me...

Irony Flower

2010-05-11T18:11:00.000-07:00

I had a very emotionally traumatic day yesterday at the funeral. You just realize someone who was a symbol of your belief; "no matter religious belief, being a good person is who you are." My 2nd dad....was gone.

There were many bouquets but the combination of two on the coffin were of his immediate family and people who I feel have taken advantage of him....

Maybe Tomorrow

2010-05-01T20:05:00.000-07:00

Today has been trying....

Sarah vs millions of people who view nudity as sexual in all forms (as if that is bad in the first place)...

Non believe vs believe (I said nothing)

Cancer vs someone you have unconditional love for.

Watching someone die puts you in your place. Knowing a person you thought would be here forever, seeing them.. like... this....

No one should see that.

Last thanksgiving....

Volunteering

2010-04-13T15:44:00.000-07:00

Having a conversation with one of my best friends today, and she mentioned volunteering for one additional reason other than the obvious two.

1. I am a nice person and I love helping people when I can. It makes them feel good as well as myself because of that reason.

2. I gain valuable experience such as; food prep (soup kitchen), resources from knowledgeable people and situations in a direction I want to take my life.

3. It looks good on a resume

The point is experience and doing something good. So I have volunteered for 4 places. 1. Meal prep at a homeless shelter
2. Library assistance to young children
3. Gardening to a local conservatory
4. Offering any time I have to help with the angels of autism network.

This makes me happy and excited.

Who knows where this path will lead but only good things I suspect.

Aidan and I at the park yesterday.

F-Eleven

2010-04-03T05:19:00.000-07:00

I have the privilege of being a part of a small community of very talented photographers. We have made our own collection of our work and published a 2nd volume. This one means a little more to me as the charity is Autism Research. My work in the book is of my son who, as you may or may not know is affected by Fragile X Syndrome and Autism.

This means a lot to me personally so I do hope you will enjoy it;

http://www.blurb.com/bookstore/detail/1239715

http://www.blurb.com/books/1239715

Untitled Happiness

2010-03-07T08:37:00.001-08:00

Currently have a severe head cold. I am driving to North Carolina tomorrow and hope this thing is gone soon.

I'm working on a biography for a book i'll be published in, in a couple of weeks. It's very near and dear to my heart.

I'm so close to finding my calling in life... I can almost reach it but it's a little blurry to see yet...

Aidan will not stop talking and that makes me feel like this;

Self portrait 2010.

Totaled

2010-02-25T13:55:00.000-08:00

Apparently, between the hours of 2-9am someone flew down my small suburban street and hit my car so hard it moved it a good 10-15 feet back. The evidence left is a huge headlight which looks to be from a black SUV. I've filed a police report and talked to my insurance company.

Im beside myself right now.

I have to drive in the next 3 weeks....

Timing is just ....

Traveling Toward Everywhere

2010-01-26T14:01:00.000-08:00

I was on a 6 hour flight from Charlotte to San Francisco last night after a 4 hour layover and a 2 hour delay....

During the flight I was reading a book that was given to me by one of my best friends called; Riding Toward Everywhere by Williamt T Vollman. The book is about himself and his companion Steve taking to the rails on freight cars. Questioning anything and everything subjecting both our national romance and our skepticism about hobo life and the reality of what he actually sees.

I read two things in this book that stuck with me. One had to do with an old man and his life on the train. What kept him going was the freedom of it. Upon reflection, it brought him to tears because it is such a sharp contrast to his own current life now which is completely organized. The second, when you travel, whatever mode of transportation you are in, it takes you places you would have never seen otherwise from different views. You then start to analyze; "Where exactly am I going? What am I doing?" Where is "Everywhere?"

In the airport, I heard people bitching left and right... and to be honest I wasnt exactly happy about the scenario but would I trade it for anything else? Absolutely not. It's part of my life I have grown to enjoy and appreciate. Its always different everyday and there's always a story to tell.

Then it hits you... the journey is the real gem here. Everywhere, is getting there.

Taken with my phone in the bathroom stall of an airport

Love

2010-01-22T07:47:00.000-08:00

I called a friend of mine while driving to New York and thinking - as per usual. I had this epiphany to what it took for relationships to work. People have a misconception that as long as you are in lust or care about a person it will work... it doesnt work that way.

The Four Loves -4 Greek words that mean love, I had the conversation about three of them. The other is storge (pronounced STORE-gay) which is the Greek word for "natural affection" which is really unconditional love.

Eros - which means passion, fire, physical attraction, romance.

Phileo - which means friendship but also more than friendship. Phileo is the word behind Philadelphia, the "City of Brotherly Love". Phileo is a deep and abiding affection for another person. Phileo means taking delight in being in the presence of the other, as in "I love to be with you". Phileo is like slipping into a favorite set of old clothes that feels very comfortable, except that you are slipping into a very comfortable relationship.

Agape - a long term commitment to another person. Agape says "I will treat you like I love you even when I don't feel like I love you". Agape is what keeps one person loyal to another during the more stressful times in a relationship. Agape treats another person well, even if they aren't treating you well in return.

Ideally, a couple would have all three all of the time. Realistically, eros and phileo can fade from time to time. There are difficult times in which we just don't enjoy being with the other person. Or we are in no mood to be passionate. We don't feel romantic. Agape is the glue that holds a relationship together when eros and/or phileo are at low tide.

A lot of couples who have been together a long time (for decades rather than for years) would say that it is easier to live without eros for a while, than to live without phileo for a while.

All that is all with timing and understand as with anything else....

Hey this is the philosophy of a nude model.. well more like epiphanies that I have and then realize they have already been coined by people smarter than I.

The Cure

2010-01-11T18:47:00.000-08:00

Not the band...

I was sent an article this morning that made me think, again. http://www.technologyreview.com/biomedicine/24325/

"I think that fragile X-targeted treatments are at the cutting edge of reversing cognitive deficits in individuals with neurodevelopmental disorders," says Randi Hagerman, medical director of the M.I.N.D. Institute at the University of California, Davis. Hagerman consults with a number of companies, including Seaside, that are developing treatments for fragile X syndrome. "This could lead to reversing intellectual disabilities and behavioral problems with this disorder," she says. "That is extremely exciting."

The fragile X mutation blocks production of a protein called FMRP (fragile X mental retardation protein), whose normal task is to inhibit molecular activity at the connections between nerve cells. Loss of the protein appears to throws the system out of whack. "It's like driving a car with your foot on the accelerator and no brake," says Randall Carpenter, a physician and cofounder of Seaside. "There is too much activation of that pathway."

I read something on the BBC a year or so ago that scientists had reversed the syndrome in lab mice. I'm reading this and crying. This is a very real possibility. It could be 15-20 years before the drug is marketed and available...

Which means I have a lot of thinking and decision making to do.

A lot.

On another note;
http://f-elevenbooks.com/robertson/bio-robertson.html

It's official, im a published photographer. That makes me feel pretty amazing and pushes me even more to publish a book on Aidan.

2009

2009-12-31T14:32:00.000-08:00

For me, aside from a few downs, 2009 was a damn good year.

* I Traveled 7 countries within the year and nearly every major airport/city in the US.

* Gained another best friend and cried as one left for those Kangaroo people.

* Enjoyed many memories with my NY - let me correct myself - the Brooklyn Boys.

* Traveled both coasts with my love at the time and had some of the best times of my life. He's become a wonderful friend of mine and I hope he is my life for many years to come.

* Had many many days to remember (and a couple to forget) with my homegirl on a boat Lauren.

* Met someone new in September who is growing on me.

* Had one of the most memorable and theraputic drives from Wisconsin to Minnesota.

* had the scariest night of my life in Wisconsin/Chicago/indiana in early December.

* From a direct result of the above I saw the best in humanity, which is something I wont forget for a long time.

* Last but not least my son spoke his first real clear words from identifying on Christmas Day. I've never been so happy in my life.

I laughed, learned, loved and evolved. That's what life is all about.

Cherish life and know you only live once (regardless of what you believe) make this life worth it.

and I leave you with my favorite person in the world as I wish all of you a Happy 2010;

My Aidan man.

Observation

2009-12-29T21:40:00.000-08:00

Im an observer when it comes to things. I look at a situation, figure it out, and try to help.

My son came to my bed in the morning while i was asleep and i woke up and picked him up into my bed.

He laid next to me and looked around my room for a good hour. I really wondered what was going on inside his head.

What would make him not to move for an hour or just to think for a solid hour? Were always on the run and all about having technology consume us but what if we didnt?

Dont get me wrong i'm not some bleeding heart líberal hippy I just think a lot.
If you're on a plane or a train for more than an hour, can you try and think/observe for an hour?

Michael Cordeiz

Play-Doh, Ball

2009-12-25T21:20:00.000-08:00

These two words were uttered tonight.
I am beside myself.

I got the greatest gift today, my son spoke two additional words. He said; Play doh and ball when identifying these two objects.

He says on command and when he sees it the following;

waffle
apple
baby
mom
bread
yuck

and now;

play doh
ball
duck

I love being shown optimism and being proved wrong. he's going to talk and i'm just beside myself in tears of joy.

My god he will talk.....

The other woman, Racheal Ray.

F-11

2009-12-24T08:40:00.000-08:00

Im part of this private photography group and we call ourselves F-11. One of the photographers (Wolff) decided to make a book with all of our work in it.

http://www.blurb.com/books/1109957

http://www.blurb.com/my/book/detail/1109957

There it is. have a look through and support us.

All of the profits of the book sales would be donated to "Friends Without a Border" "Friends Without A Border" is committed to improving the health and well being of the children of Cambodia by providing quality medical care, extensive outreach and crucial medical education through Angkor Hospital for Children.

Narrow Escape

2009-12-19T19:11:00.000-08:00

I'm sitting at home in front of my computer tonight when i could be in the Dulles airport for the 2nd night in a row... and oh 36 hours later.....

I was smart and knew after the 3rd hour of delays they were canceling the flight. So I booked a seat on the 10pm flight. Except 8 pm the Blizzard of 09 was coming through the DC area. Thankfully at 10:45 my plane left and was the last flight to leave the airspace that night. I believe a total of 20 flights were allowed to leave today before all three airports were shut down.

I got lucky, and yes there is a double entendre there.

I checked my mail and received a Wet Plate glass from Mark Sink. he didnt have to give that to me, but he did. I am overjoyed with this.

Now onto setting up my darkroom...

Mark Sink - Wet Plate NYC 2009

Wet Plate

2009-12-15T14:30:00.000-08:00

Currently in DC. Korean Spa tonight, shooting tomorrow, then Philly then back home... which I am equally looking forward to... but a different wet plate.

I will have to return a camera i've had for 3 years a photographer loaned to me. The Agfa 6x9. It is and has been my favorite camera for this entire time. Alas...

Mark Sink 2009 NYC. Wet Plate photography, which I have fallen in love with.

Thank You

2009-12-11T20:09:00.001-08:00

I received one of the most amazing, humble, and tearful messages from a complete stranger this evening. His act of kindness was something so unexpected I was just beside myself. What I write here about my son are my personal feelings. I dont let the public in on my personal life and I try to be vague about that but my son is a very important and selfless part of my life.

Here is the partial note I wrote back to him;

I just want to prepare the world for my son, and try to prepare him for the world at the same time. The joys and tragedy's I go through are just trials and tribulations I have no control over. So I write, educate, and share my emotion with everyone who will listen. Your words and actions make me realize i'm doing the best I can and it will be alright.

I cant imagine what it's like losing someone so close to you. I can tell you after the incident in the blizzard the thought of him being in that car and the chance of him not being in mine or anyone's life scared me more than anything else ever has and left a hole in my heart until I realized it didnt happen that way and that was close enough.

Tonight will be the first time i've seen him since the incident for more than a few minutes and I cant tell you how happy it makes me. I can only hope I can radiate that feeling to you and to others.

This world isnt perfect but there are good people in it and I think in one way or another we all find ourselves gravitating toward each other and giving hope to others.

There are so many wonderful people in my life at the moment and I consider myself very lucky and fortunate to have them in my life. I havent been this happy in years. I value my and my sons life to the highest regard and to the people that see this and feel something from it, I value you as well.

Thank you for restoring my hope in humanity.

No Excuses

2009-12-10T20:11:00.000-08:00

I'm not good at;

complaining
being emotional
understanding logic, only, when emotion conflicts with it
Pearl Jam past the 90's

and

being thankful when humanity proves to you to have hope in it.

....

Thank you.

this has nothing to do with this post but is a message to Chip Willis and his fan.

Deathproof - Lucky to Be Alive

2009-12-09T08:55:00.000-08:00

This is long but i'm still a bit shaken up after sleeping for 4 hours in my own bed;

I started out driving to Chicago from Columbus around 9:30 am yesterday morning. Got to Chicago, fine around 2pm CST. I had a shoot for 3 hours and went outside to see it was wet snow that wasnt sticking too much so I assumed the highways were better, they were .... until I attempted to drive north to Milwaukee.

I got 40 miles north and 2 tolls later to discover near white out conditions. Now, my car is a 10 year old car with almost 200k miles on it and 2 front bald tires but i'm used to driving in rain and such... but nothing like this. It kept getting worse and worse. I recieved a phonecall then from the photographer in Green Bay (2 hours north) whom I was scheduled to shoot with the following day saying; "the storm is moving north and is going to hit us hard. If you slide off into a ditch it could be two days before you are dug out." Right then in struck me, that could very well happen. Called a friend of mine for the conditions. He went over that it said; "ice pellets/sleet/freezing rain in Chicago and blowing snow in Milwaukee. Snow totals 2-4 inches in Chicago and 8-12 in Milwaukee. Green Bay - much worse. Temps falling and a low of 4 degrees tonight with a -15 wind chill along with 25-35mph winds." He advised me to turn around because it would only be worse tomorrow and if I turned around I could avoid the worst as I drove south and east back home.

Here's where it gets scary; This is 6pm at night i turned around and headed back on I-94. I was going 35mph on the highway in the Middle to left lane (or so I thought). No one could see the lane divisions at this point so everyone was just making lanes - again this is rush hour Chicago traffic. So i'm actually in the far left lane behind an SUV and hundreds of other cars in the front. A semi truck comes down my right hands side going at least 50mph (very very dangerous) when he passes me he throws slush/ice/snow all over my car from the road and I cant see. So i immediate let off the gas and brake lightly because I know there are cars feet in front of me. When I do this (i still cant see at this point) I slide and immediately instead of going to the right or directly in front I go to the shoulder because i knew i was in the left lane. What I didnt know is that the lane is ending due to construction and that is why the left lane is braking to merge into the right lane. I hit a road cone, a closed road sign and the concrete divider. What I didnt know was that a semi truck was right behind me barreling down about 50mph. If i hadnt went to the left it would have smashed into the back of my car. My tires spin but i managed to maneuver out of it and fishtail to where my car was pointing to the highway. Waited for a break in traffic and got back on the highway. I was so shaken up but alright....

Doesnt end from there... On the way home on I 65 south it turns into rain. I hydroplane probably 20 times total on the way back but as I was in the far right hand lane I can only go 45 when I do this. Trucks are passing me throwing water from the road on my car (similar to before) so i slow down throw my hazard lights on and pull over onto what i thought was the shoulder, it was an exit ramp and an SUV was behind me and had to swerve to avoid hitting me almost hitting the exit divider to the highway. I stopped at a gas station and sat in my car and cried for a minute and then realized this could have turned out so much different. Got myself together and drove the rest of the 4 hours home.

After driving for 9.5 hours on a drive that should have taken 5.5. i'm lucky to be alive and in one piece.

be thankful you are breathing people. When you're faced with situations like this you realize we take life for granted so much.

And one more thing I learned? My car is fucking deathproof.

Last Night;

Today;

My Hair

2009-12-07T14:27:00.000-08:00

is almost to my butt. It's VERY very long.

Chip Willis December 2009

Chicago this week. Two front bald tires and a winter storm approaching...

Le Sigh

ASL

2009-12-01T19:58:00.001-08:00

American Sign Language;

Learn three words today;

Mommy:

Baby:

No:

Just a portrait;

Happy Tears

2009-11-28T16:36:00.000-08:00

is what i'm shedding right now. My son just said 1 1/2 words tonight. He pointed at my virtual facebook panda and signed and spoke "baby". He said; "b-ba-baby". After that He saw a picture of a balloon and said; "b-ba-balll". Half of a word but it still counts.

I cant believe it. He WILL talk. He's going to talk !!!!!!!

I'm pretty sure I am the happiest person in the world right now.

I took these with my webcam shortly after;

My little man is the greatest thing in my life.

Alive

2009-11-25T19:10:00.000-08:00

Coming from the south, we take food seriously. Especially Thanksgiving. So here's my menu my sister and I will prepare;

Turkey with herb butter and homemade gravy
Ham with maple and brown sugar glaze
Apple Cranberry Stuffing
Sweet Potato Casserole
Smashed Potatoes with Sour Cream and Cheddar
Green Bean Casserole
Baked Macaroni with Monterey Jack
Seven Layer Salad
Broccoli Cornbread
Homemade Sweet Rolls
Deviled Eggs

Dessert:

Pecan Pie
Sweet potato Pie
Pumpkin Pie
Dirt Cake

News of the day;

Saunders diffusion modular model 7451 4x5 enlarger arrived at my doorstep today;

Here's what it looks like assembled;

I'm the happiest i've been in a long time.

Lovecraft in Brooklyn

2009-11-22T21:13:00.000-08:00

Around this time of year we gather with friends and family and are supposed to give thanks. We live in a world where it is easy to take life for granted. It's easy to think you have a rough life, or a bad day even.

You are alive and healthy. Be thankful for that.

If you have kids kiss them right now and tell them how much they mean to you. My son helps me realize everyday how wonderful of a life I have with him in it. His disability isnt a disability at all but its a part of him and we intend on letting the world know that. Besides normal is overrated.

http://www.sacbee.com/static/newsroom/swf/april07/mother/

(turn the captions on) you will cry. But sometimes it takes powerful images to make us see things we take for granted.

This is why I am behind and in front of a camera.

Space Intentionally Left Blank

2009-11-15T10:14:00.000-08:00

Being woken up at 4am by a little blonde guy who took too long of a nap earlier in the day wasnt pleasant. He finally went back to sleep around 7 in my bed. Slept until 10. I was woken up by a text that made me smile.

Grabbed my camera and shot Aidan sleeping and waking up. I dont think i'll ever see anything more beautiful in my life. I cried.

Ordered Rodinal today. Develop next weekend. Shooting the last 9 frames Tuesday morning of a new development in my life that makes me happy... I cant wait.

I'm off to North Carolina next week... it just wont be the same without the old motivation to drive down there anymore.

Come on and raise up doesnt have the same ring to it anymore....

The real Lauren - image by me 35mm

29

2009-11-11T06:37:00.000-08:00

I'm sitting in New York right now, overlooking the Hudson River contemplating my day. Being sick over the weekend and my 29th birthday sort of did a number on me.... and I miss my little guy.

I miss the city... a lot. NY is my second home, and everyone who knows me, knows that. I realized while trying to navigate campus last week that I knew New York City better than my own city I live in. That's crazy.

I also like where I live and the little routine i'm developing.. I apparently like and miss a lot of things right now. I suppose it's a good thing.

Photo by Armistead Sapp - North Carolina. I'm headed back there next week... it wont be the same now.

Intelligent Choice

2009-10-31T18:30:00.000-07:00

An issue of the MENSA bulletin found its way to my coffee table recently and there was an article that I was told I should read.

The article was on Intelligent Choice, meaning in the year 2019 there is a real possibility there could be a choice to have a baby "the old fashioned way" or you can elect to ensure your child is not retarded or if you wish has a Mensa-level or even higher intelligence defined beyond IQ - for example social intelligence or creativity.

The article's author has a position that intelligent choice should be allowed, and funded by both private and public sectors yet carefully regulated by government.

I obviously am personally effected by this. I am withholding a firm opinion until it comes to that choice, if it does. I do have many ideas and theories however...

Speaking of Aidan, I finally scanned all of the negatives i've had sorted for 3 or 4 months now. I have to edit 20 of them and send to publishers.

Wish me luck.

Sometimes there are gems you forget you took....

2008;

2007 self portrait, I got lucky;

Untitled

2009-10-28T09:55:00.000-07:00

Yesterday on the train ride from Portland to Seattle I met this woman who reminded me of myself when I reach her age. She was 73 but didnt look a day over 50. I was amazed. Showed me her license and everything - born in 1937. It was sort of uncanny how much we had in common. She was a psychologist for years, loves art and Europe and grew up in Ohio. She travels all over and said she wouldnt get married and had broken off 4 engagements. She said; "i'm too independent and I dont think I could ever live with anyone. Dont get me wrong sex is great and I always have a male friend for that but i'm not interested in anything else." More power to her. I have a feeling i'll be the same.

I had the most enlightening conversation recently. Mainly about art but mostly about life. Why does everyone have to do things that everyone else does? Why do we have to do certain things to achieve a certain status of something as if that's what we wanted in the first place? Perhaps i'm just thinking out loud as if we've evolved past this pack mentality we have that in order to figure yourself out you need to do what society tells you to.... I generally find unhappy people do this.

I like my friends, that 73 year old lady and wine.

candid image from a shoot in Portland. We'll call this; "October".

Even After Everything

2009-10-22T19:51:00.000-07:00

you're the king and i'm the queen
nothing else means anything.

Value what you have right? Live everyday like it's your last. As a human, as selfish as we are, that's incredibly difficult to do past the surface.

But sometimes we do. It feels right for a second... or maybe a long while. But it's a good feeling no matter the length.

Ron Skei - Vancouver August 09 - my hair is getting ridiculously long. It's about 2 inches from my ass. Yes, it is.

It's Not Goodbye It's Goodnight

2009-10-21T07:29:00.000-07:00

I've figured so much out last night - epiphany included. This makes me happy.

My best friend is moving to the land down under today - well she's visiting for 3 months and her life is sort of up in the air at this point. Which I think is a good thing. We all have moments in our life like this. We've been through a lot together, too many stories to tell but I can always hope she'll be my neighbor when we're old yelling at the kids in the parking lot and she'll still have that crazy ass cat.

I love you Lauren, even though I say I hope terrorists take over a plane in LAX today and force you to not go, i'm lying. I hope the best for you, you know that. Cause we're on a boat muthafucka, dont you ever forget!

- Caitlin

Nutshell

2009-10-17T06:42:00.000-07:00

We chase misprinted lies
We face the path of time
And yet I fight
And yet I fight
This battle all alone
No one to cry to
No place to call home

My gift of self is raped
My privacy is raked
And yet I find
And yet I find
Repeating in my head
If I can't be my own
I'd feel better dead

- Alice In Chains

Probably one of the most beautiful moments ever recorded, and that was the opener. And yes, Alice In Chains had the best unplugged album ever. Even over Clapton. Yes they did.

I was asked recently to write a review on Alice In Chains new album because i'm so passionate about it/them. That's very hard to do for a few reasons but the main is that people cant separate the fact Layne isnt there anymore.

Alice In Chains was, unfortunately and unfairly, identified with Layne Staley. He was the image of the band, an amazing voice, but the heart and soul had always rested in Jerry Cantrell. His harmonizing was as much a part of the band's sound as Layne. Despite this, when Layne died, Alice In Chains was believed to have died with him. Cantrell was tired of ignoring who he was. And enter Black Gives Way To Blue.

I always felt Alice In Chains was just too talented... and I dont say that often but if the Unplugged album wasnt enough, this album is proof of that. They were the heaviest of all of the grunge bands. They had heart and it showed very well. The new singer isnt the lead singer. He knows the shoes he's filling can never be filled so he's himself and the harmonies show for that. This album starts off with All Secrets Known which isnt the best song on the album and not the best lead track but the single and Acid Bubble are remarkable. Lesson Learned, Last of My Kind, and Check My Brain are all brilliant hard tracks that this band was known for years ago. I remember when I first heard A Looking In View I was in my car and listening to the radio almost home and I heard the opening guitar riff to this song and literally stopped everything I was doing. I parked my car in front of my house and my jaw dropped. Alice In Chains was back with a new singer and I didnt care about the politics this song was unbelievably amazing in every way. I sat in my car for 7 minutes and 16 seconds listening to something I havent heard in a long time which was music.

New rock music lacks emotion, feeling, and most of all heart. It really does and that's saddening. But hearing this track and then buying the album listening to it on repeat for 2 weeks I feel rock music has this band that was always innovative and gives people hope in the phrase Bill Hicks coined; "playing from the heart". Moving onto "Private Hell" which is a beautifully somber piece. The title track is a tribute to Layne, featuring Elton John on the piano, which blew me away. Elton's work is subtle, tasteful, and a background color that raises the song immeasurably.

Together, Cantrell and Duvall sing, "tomorrow's haunted by your ghost." It is a reminder that Layne will never be far from the minds of the band or its fans. He can never be forgotten, nor should he be. This band is reinvented but still the same hard grunge band from the 90's that we all miss. Regardless of your political views on Cantrell's decision, this album is proof that rock never dies with talent like this.

Take It All In

2009-10-15T10:51:00.000-07:00

I was supposed to go camping this week but the weather turned really shitty all of a sudden and apparently it's supposed to snow tomorrow... lovely. I think winter is here already. I love winter but not when it comes this early.

I've had a great year so far and I think the winter will be even better if the fall keeps being this amazing. I'm gushing... i'll stop. I'm just happy.

photos by Gary Breckehimer with Colin August 2009. Where else but New York Fucking City?

A Looking In View

2009-10-03T10:41:00.000-07:00

Alice in Chains new album rocks. HARD.

I'm heading to Kalamazoo Monday afternoon then onto Chicago/Milwaukee/Minnesota for the week. I'm pretty positive I'll put 200k miles on my car before the year is up.

I hope to go camping in October in the U.P. of Michigan. Showing people the beauty of this place the way it was shown to me makes me incredibly happy.

Aidan is saying; "yuck" on a regular basis now. But typically when he does say a word he'll never say it again. So we'll see...

here he is watching his girlfriend;

and about to drink the water;

Shiny, Happy, People

2009-09-22T07:16:00.000-07:00

I'm getting ready to head out the door to drive to North Carolina. I dont have much to say other than i'm incredibly happy in my life right now and I had one of the best days i've had in a long time yesterday.

I'll leave on that note... and perhaps take some self portraits this week....

John Green Portland Oregon

Volunteering

2009-09-19T16:25:00.000-07:00

I had a very serious conversation today with one of my best friends about myself, my son, and my family. Everyone goes through times in their existence on this earth where they dont know what they want to do with their lives. I'm at that point currently. I'm aware I cant be a model forever but I know I am an artist and a photographer. I feel like I have so much artistic talent and I care a lot about people.I suppose I just want to take my experiences and talent and do what I can to make the world a less horrible place.

The backstory in my photography is what i want to touch people and make them think and be aware. So having said that, my first step is to get involved in nonprofits and outreach groups related to things I think need awareness and my help. The first two are obviously Fragile X Syndrome and Autism. I'm going to put all my efforts in this as well as publishing a book on Aidan and his struggles and achievements. My hope is that people will relate to images and think and be well, human. I'd like to photograph a lot of these events as well and hopefully a huge goal is to photograph the Special Olympics.

This world sucks and I want to at least put a dent in the humanitarian effort. Not just to do my part but to make a difference.

Walk with us;

http://www.facebook.com/pages/Fragile-X-Awareness/134533923207?ref=mf

Thank you Lauren, for being you.

All the Love In the World

2009-09-17T15:51:00.000-07:00

The world... a huge place. yet I still dont understand why people are content in their own sheltered existence. I believe the key to evolution of ones self is exploring the world and understanding different aspects of it. Not sitting in an ivory tower thinking you already know before you've explored.

Actually I do know why. It's giving up control and fear of the unexpected. I live on that challenge and it makes me who I am today and for the rest of my life.

Here's my world and he has all my love;

Blah

2009-09-11T09:05:00.000-07:00

After 24 hours of throwing up and losing $700 in work (I NEVER CANCEL) in North Carolina from food poisoning (bad sushi)i'm driving home in a half hour to see my little man. I've thought about him so much this week. He taught me a new sign last week!

So here goes an 8 hour drive.... therapeutic I hope....

Image by the very talented Constantine Gedal - a wonderfully nice and talented Russian painter in New York. With Melanie - 7 months. She's due any day now!

Wish Me Luck

2009-09-06T20:59:00.000-07:00

I'm driving in this tomorrow.

Somewhat Damaged

2009-08-30T07:44:00.000-07:00

I spent a lot of time crying last night....

Aidan threw raspberries in the grocery store today from my cart because they were in his way of swinging - one of his obsessions - the buckle that straps the child in.

A woman said; "god why dont you control your child?"

I simply said; "why dont you control your mouth and consider he didnt do it for reasons a lot of children do."

She gave me a disgusted look and I said; "I wish he had thrown them 5 feet further to the left." (her direction)

He proceeded to kiss me and turn his head in her direction and burp very loudly.

He then signed excuse me.

How is it possible to have faith in humanity when these things happen?

I posted this as a thread on this evil site called Model Mayhem and I of course was faced again with ignorance - only the internet version; http://www.modelmayhem.com/po.php?thread_id=495358

Humility is something, we as humans need a dose of from time to time. It puts us in our place and makes us realize that we are human. Ignorance is abundant but the bigger question is, how do we teach those who are ignorant without emotions getting in the way?

That, is the question.

I ordered business cards last night with this picture on the front. On the back is; My Child Cannot Speak
He has Autism
www.fragilex.org
www.autism-society.org

Lucky

2009-08-28T06:14:00.000-07:00

After almost 2 weeks of non-stop traveling i'm currently in the Baltimore airport on my way home. I've had such a great August. Starting in Seattle then onto Shi Shi beach, then Portland, then Vancouver. [Enter 4 day break] Off to Boston, then Acadia, then NYC, then, Baltimore, then DC. After numerous cancellations I didnt model as much as I wanted but I did get some touristy things done without being around tourists.

My favorite parts of August were probably the camping on both coasts. This country is absolutely beautiful and i'm just happy i'm one of the lucky people who get to see it's beauty and on a regular basis. I really am lucky and i'm well aware of it.

(Seeing NIN last show at the best venue in NYC with only 498 other people wasnt a bad addition either)

I'm only shooting once this week otherwise a well deserved week off then it's of course time for North Carolina yáll!

But for now, I cant wait to hold my little man in my arms and give him 100 kisses. I have film to develop of him so stay tuned!

Acadia National Park;

Google and It's Flotsam

2009-08-15T11:51:00.001-07:00

So someone flagged my blog and google decided to lock it and deem it "author only". I did a request for unlock review and nothing has happened yet so I decided to create this.

Official new blog where i'll be updating my travels and everything about Aidan.

He just freaked me out by coming up under my desk and blowing on my stomach to make me laugh... oh how I missed him.

So here's me naked. To the person who flagged me; honestly, get a life.

TH Taylor, Milwaukee Wisconsin July 09.

My hair is getting ridiculously long.

West Coast Adventure

2009-08-09T10:15:00.000-07:00

I'm currently in Vancouver, BC. I've been on the west coast for about a week now. I arrived in Seattle last Sunday night then off to the Northwest coast of Washington for Shi Shi Beach for a couple of days. We arrived after some delays around 5:30. After hiking for an hour and finally figuring out where we were supposed to be we sat up camp about 8pm. Camping for 2 days there was amazing... except we never saw the sun, unfortunately but it was still an amazing site to see.

Then off to Portland. 3 shoots later, the Columbia River Gorge, mud, sand, dirt, frigid waterfalls, and people always gawking, along with a Guinness and some wine Portland was a success. I really love Washington and Oregon a lot, i'd venture to say they are my favorite states so far... but alas must move onto Vancouver.

A relaxing day ahead then two shoots then home to my little guy on Thursday. Ah how I miss him and his kisses.

This trip, aside from the lack of sun, has been amazing. I got to see and show the best parts of these two states and of course do what I love to do, model and photograph.

Oh and thanks Nicole for the thermos of wine at the airport. You're alright.

This is an image taken by a shitty POS in a cave overlooking tiny tidepools and a couple examples of the wonderful Point of the Arches;

Lost World

2009-08-01T16:44:00.000-07:00

I'm currently receiving kisses from my baby love (Aidan)... i'm going to miss him. I wont see him for two weeks.

The bright side is i'm finished packing for Shi Shi Beach/Portland/Vancouver all in 11 days. I'm so excited I havent been here in nearly a year yet I havent shut up about it since then. I remember the crashing silvery waves rumble over sand and stones, interrupted only by looming sea stacks and towering bluffs fringed with sitka forests. What could be a scene from a land before time is real now, part of Olympic National Park and considered the Northwest's purest stretch of coastline. Having gained notoriety as the most gorgeous of the beaches in the US and even hemisphere... because it is.

I cant wait to see it again. then off to Portland for a few days seeing the most talked about Oregon coastline while shooting in it. Then of course what northwest trip would be complete without seeing my good friend/photographer Michael and shooting there? Ah it's all so exciting. I remember why I love the summer now.

This photo is taken by a more talented than he knows photographer, Mike, in Indianapolis just two days ago. My first visit to an Observatory which has been abandoned for many many years.

Stranger than Kindness

2009-07-22T18:15:00.000-07:00

In Milwaukee currently, and this city is very blue collar and gritty but not dangerous gritty like Detwah but it has character and I dig that. I shot with TH Taylor today for the first time. I rarely come to Chicago and I havent been north of the city before so of course we had to arrange something. He's hilariously great and you know when you leave a shoot with great images? Yeah this was one of those.

Sanders McNew emailed me the other day with great news of a book all of us have been pressuring him to do for around 5 years now. We're all excited about it. He mentioned myself and his wife were the only two models with 3 pages in the book. I was quite thrilled about that. Actually one is of me when I am 7 months pregnant. He is solely responsible for bringing me to NYC to begin with... now i'm hooked.

George Pitts sent an email with some interesting images we shot.. which also happens to be the night Michael Jackson died oddly...

My (now faded) sunburn/lines from walking around lower Manhattan shooting earlier in the day.. he felt it added something to the image. I told him it was James'head;

Undertow

2009-07-19T20:48:00.000-07:00

I had a great conversation with my dad this afternoon. It really made my day. He's just a wonderful person.

I'm taking a day off and then driving to Milwaukee/Chicago on Tuesday. I'm happy about this trip because it's been 9 months since i've been there and it's very productive as well.

I was very productive today in getting my negatives together to figure out which ones I wanted to submit for Aidan... it took all of an hour. I remember each moment as if it just happened yesterday.

Before we knew.....

We thought he was seeing something more interesting than we were. In retrospect... he probably was...

550

2009-07-17T14:43:00.000-07:00

I just got back from Allentown and Philly. Great week. Modeling in the river, the grass, breaking into an abandoned farm house, seeing a huge 300 pound black bear chillin in the road... yeah that's what i'd call a good week. off to Chicago/Milwaukee next week.

Spending some time with my little guy this weekend. He was at the fair earlier today and signing "more" when he was on the rides.

The new Alice in Chains rocks, hard.

I had a great day today, I told my old bank to suck it, officially now with a new bank....

Oh, and i'm seeing Nine Inch Nails at the Bowery Ballroom in Manhattan next month. Capacity: 550.

YES. I'm fucking thrilled.

an old one from James....

and in case you forgot, my JAM face;

word.

Aidan's Take on Iran and Outsmarting Mommy

2009-07-10T10:49:00.000-07:00

I came home from New York a couple of weeks back and Aidan picked up my Time magazine I had in my purse. He opened it up to a page with Mousavi addressing the crowds of protesters. He kept pointing at him;

and then this;

and something monumental... this is when it started raining last weekend. I said; "no Aidan you cant go outside, it's raining." He went into his room and came out with an umbrella and pointed at the door. As if to say; "but I have an umbrella, now I can!" I couldnt believe it. He typically just spins the umbrella ... I had no idea he knew what it was for. So I let him, because he outsmarted me;

They're baby steps but man if they arent loud and heavy.

My Little Prince

2009-07-07T11:13:00.000-07:00

In the grocery store a few days ago, with Aidan. As we were checking out he kept smiling at the cashier as she was asking his name and how old he was. He just kept pointing and making noises. I said; "his name is Aidan and he is 4." After a few compliments we were ready to go and she asked; "if you dont mind my asking, what is his disability?" I answered her and then started reflecting on the fact she noticed he had a disability. This was the first time I was faced with that, and it was hard. Very very hard...

Then Aidan smiled and kissed me and I was happy she was curious and concerned.

I had a friend tell me one of the greatest things last night, it will stick with me forever. "most of the time, I don't want kids, but when I see your pictures of aidan, I want a child so I can love them as much as you love your son."

here he is chewing his blanket. My little Mr Wonderful.

Schism

2009-07-03T19:56:00.000-07:00

I started off the day waking up at 7am on my couch from falling asleep to the Golden Girls at midnight. Yeah, classy.

Then I remembered how sad I was that I wasnt taking a roadtrip to the Upper Peninsula of Michigan this week with a good friend of mine. So I spent the day looking for work and found some great oppertunities.... either way I miss the U.P. - a lot. It's one of my favorite places in the world to visit.

I laid on my patio with Aidan tonight staring at the moon and the stars with him. He's very fascinated with them. I'm going to develop two rolls of him and various other people tomorrow.

I'm going to go to southwest Michigan on Sunday... who knows where i'll be this week. Me and my shitty car and road tripping.

The Mackinac Bridge connecting the lower peninsula with the upper.

Leaders

2009-06-27T21:24:00.000-07:00

Arrived home tonight around 4ish. Took a well needed shower. After the infant wailing for 1.5 hours straight around 4am last night... and maybe 4 hours of sleep cleverly placed in the airport chairs with my packed t shirts as blankets... I kind of needed that.

I woke up at 6 am flight of French Canadians looking at their Iphones and at me. The guy to my right said; "rough night?" I said; "well my idea of a rough night isnt spending 24 hours in Newark Airport." he laughed.

I'm home, and it feels great.

My little man did something quite amazing tonight. I captured it on film and i'll show it this week.

Until then..

Dean, when he has motivation, he can be incredible.

Stuck.

2009-06-26T15:28:00.000-07:00

I am currently stuck in the Newark airport due to "weather"....meaning there wasnt a storm until 5 hours after it was delayed so they can blame it on weather to avoid compensating for hotels or the flight. I'm spending the night in the Newark airport - i've never done that before. Nor have I ever had these issues with as much flying as i've done. My flight is at 8 am to DC then home... finally.

Otherwise I had a great time in New York, aside from the monsoon season they seem to be experiencing in late June... I modeled in the rain for 2 hours which was fun. I also modeled with my good friend Melanie who is one of the best art models in my opinion and a wonderful photographer. She is currently 7 months pregnant. We modeled for Constantine - who is just a beautiful person inside and out along with a very talented painter/sketch artist/photographer. I had a wonderful time with both of them. The photos are going to be unbelievable - I just know it.

Thursday my great friend James Graham and I hung out. Enter George Pitts around 6:30 pm telling us the news that Michael Jackson had died. Floored. I couldnt believe it. An American icon, innovator, and musical genius wasnt here anymore.

James shot George shooting me in his apartment. We went out to dinner afterward and they were playing Michael's songs - which was pretty damn great. Walking back to the apartment we saw a bunch of kids with a boombox on the corner dancing to his music. It was epic. George and James are great. Definitely a great time. Even if BK is a bitch.

So here's to Newark Liberty fucking Airport and my dark little corner I found far away from people. - I always see the positive side to everything - typically.

And RIP Michael - you were a legend.

Photo by Ron Skei in Vancounver, BC about 2 weeks ago. He said I smell like flowers. :P

Dad....

2009-06-20T09:55:00.000-07:00

My dad and I have really grown to a very wonderful point in our relationship. It wasnt always like that. He used to work a lot and wasnt home often but we always had fond memories of him when he was. He was a welder/pipefitter/journeyman so that required him to travel quite a lot. We moved to 11 different states growing up. Each of us were born in different states. I think that has helped me become very open minded and out of the box - so to speak. Seeing a bigger world outside of one city/small town is a great thing for a child to experience. Probably a lot of the reason I love to travel.

We used to give him what we called; "charms" when we were little. They were basically little things we liked and gave to him for good luck when he traveled. They'd range from the icicles on last years christmas tree, to my favorite Barbie brush, to a lucky penny. He kept them all throughout the years and i'm pretty sure he still has a few of them. He's one of the smartest and most driven people I have ever known and I admire those two things the most about him.

He's a wonderful person and he's another person that "let" me photograph the real him.

He's very proud of this. When I showed it to him he said; "Sarah, this is me." It's framed on his wall. He always shows everyone this photo with the words; "My daughter took this."

:)

Aidan Adore

2009-06-14T18:52:00.000-07:00

I'm driving to North Carolina tomorrow... I always love this drive. I've not loved a drive as much as I do this one in a long time. I will update this in August when I make my way down the eastern seaboard and Washington/Oregon coast.

It's just theraputic and the perfect drive with enough highways to keep you psychologically and attention satisfied and the gorgeous Appalachians. NPR helps as well.

I had the most amazing weekend with my son. He let me photograph him waking up. I cant tell you what an amazing feeling that is when someone let's you photograph them. I suppose I take it for granted. Sita Mae Edwards once told me; "you let the person in to capture the real you." I didnt really understand what that meant until this morning... With his disability I have no idea how he knows what to do but he does. He said; "OM" today a million times... that means Mom....

...

The Purist Feeling

2009-06-11T15:03:00.000-07:00

I recently had a photographer message me on my photography page I display select work on. He basically wanted to meet with me when i'm in L.A. to pick my brain about photography. I was flattered but as usual i'm opinionated as well.

He said; "It'd be great to sit with a photographer who understands the idea of natural light and "real" photos even if posed." He really got my work.

Well with photography i'm a purist. I hate labels but I am. While talking with George Pitts recently (who is just the greatest individual) I figured this out about myself. I like real things/people/situations. Real meaning you arent fake or sugarcoating things you are just who you are like it or leave it.

Having said that i've always loved film - it makes me think. It's a true medium. The whole process of film is raw and and everything but manipulation. I truly cannot understand (as a photographer) when I see things manipulated to make them look like a vision. I dont mean graphic designers or photoshop wizards - some of that work is quite compelling. I am speaking of people who manipulate - most of the time very badly - something that wasnt in the camera. It isnt real. It's fake.

With my photography I photograph the real person or at least how they are at the moment. I ask models I photograph not to wear make up and not to pose. So photographing my autistic son - who has no concept of acting is a challenge but also eye opening. Self ports are a way for me to reflect how I feel or interacting with my environment and displaying it on film. After all I didnt pick up a camera a week ago, i've been behind one since I was 10. Please drop the modelographer phrase. Please.

Film/pictures are memories and stories. To make them into a fairy tale is just not real.

I photographed this of a model and great friend of mine a couple of weeks ago. She was incredibly happy about her new love and well it's evident here.

Him. Waking up. I cry when I see this.

Detwah

2009-06-08T20:28:00.000-07:00

I have the entire week off, which is alright but i'd rather be traveling. I drove home from Detroit today - god what a horrid city that is. I can typically find character in every city and I grew up very poor in the south - but Detwah? No. It's just incredibly sad because of the history. It's just turned into a huge shit pile. It's just so sad because i'd love to see it be taken over by artists in this buyers market but it just isnt happening. There could be so much done here but I dont really think there will.

There are some wonderful artists and people that live there. I recently was in Boston shooting with a photographer from Detroit and I asked him why he liked it. He said literally; "because it is a shitpile... but it's my shitpile." Now THAT is fucking word.

We'll always have the Leland and the crackhead diner....

This wasnt in Detwah but it was a few years ago with my great friend James Graham. I think I told Hugh Grant he was a shitty actor that night....

R&R

2009-05-31T20:06:00.000-07:00

I'm heading to Vancouver tomorrow - 7am flight. I'll be there for a day shooting, then camping in Northern British Columbia with Mr Wonderful for 2 days and then a 5 star hotel he arranged for us on Thursday.

I need this.

Then its gearing up for a month of constant travel. Summer is here, swait tay and all.

One of my all time favorite images by the only Chip Willis.

... i'll be in this position a lot this week.

Right

2009-05-29T19:51:00.000-07:00

where it belongs...

See the animal in his cage that you built
Are you sure what side you're on?
Better not look him too closely in the eye
Are you sure what side of the glass you are on?
See the safety of the life you have built
Everything where it belongs
Feel the hollowness inside of your heart
And it's all
Right where it belongs

What if everything around you
Isn't quite as it seems?
What if all the world you think you know
Is an elaborate dream?
And if you look at your reflection
Is it all you want it to be?
What if you could look right through the cracks?
Would you find yourself
Find yourself afraid to see?

What if all the world's inside of your head
Just creations of your own?
Your devils and your gods
All the living and the dead
And you're really all alone?
You can live in this illusion
You can choose to believe
You keep looking but you can't find the woods
While you're hiding in the trees

Right Where it Belongs.

- NIN

I love that song. I hate the entire album except that song...

Being in Boston this week (2 days were absolutely amazing - clam chowder and all) the other 3 were dreary and shitty. I still love Boston just not when it rains.

Blue Moon tonight... and music - which I havent heard in 5 days unless you want to call a white valley girl stomping her heels and claiming to recite Coolio's "1,2,3,4" music... if you do, i'll say right now I never want to meet you.

Just sayin...

and yeah it will be there in 3 days...

Enjoy The Silence

2009-05-24T19:27:00.000-07:00

I've had a busy day from shooting to getting rained on to sorting out emails, laundry/packing for Boston tomorrow, to cleaning and well my current task; enjoying Blue Moon. I just recently (since visiting Ireland - of all places) have been into beer. Particularly Belgian ales but i'm up for suggestions.

I looked at my calendar today and realized i'd be home a total of 12 days out of this month..which is fine but overwhelming a bit. I love traveling but it's a great sigh when you walk into your place and throw your keys down to hear the sound and just sit and enjoy the silence....

This is an off memory map of where i've been to in the states the past year. These are trips made more than once - to put it lightly. The blue is driving, the red is flying:

right so here is one of those places;

A random outtake from AJ Kahn and his crazy cat.

Again

2009-05-21T23:54:00.000-07:00

My fixer fucked a roll up... which wasnt anything important I was expecting but it was.... If you're a photographer/film shooter you know what that means.

San Fran and a great night;

The best thing in the world;

Two completely different images yet both incredibly happy moments. Fixer fuck up or not... I not only dig these, but I see some great things here. I'll re-fix them next weekend.

A Perfect Circle

2009-05-20T23:34:00.000-07:00

I like driving, when it's interesting. I also like NPR... but when it isnt available well....

I dig San Fran also.

Including this guy. He borrows methods from science photography and motion studies and uses them for art. He experiments with black and white art photography using LED strobes, micro-controllers and camera motion. This is all done on film in the camera, not with Photoshop.

It was fun:

Spark

2009-05-16T21:14:00.000-07:00

I feel traveling is the key to evolving. I've been to 6 countries and in places over a hundred times from NYC to San Diego. From places I want to visit more for just visiting and living - Scotland to Montana to places I dont like Detroit and Kansas but it's worth it for the art. I see things with an objective eye. Not that i'm waiting to see the bad side but I am open to possibilities. I've visited close to every state in the US but not spent enough time that i wanted to - like the New England area.

Of all my travels - which isnt close to what I want to accomplish in life - the state of Washington I feel the most at home with. between the character of Seattle - the rain, fog, bays, docks, fish, everything tourists arent interested in, to Olympic National Park and of course my favorite - Shi Shi Beach. There just isnt anywhere in the world like this. Although i'm willing to explore those with a naked eye - and body and not compare. Everytime I walk through the SEA-TAC airport, and it's stupid logic, I miss Washington more and more.

I think i'll find myself living here eventually....

I'll be back in August. Trust me, I am thrilled.

I'm sure i've shared this before - but i'll never forget this place. Shi Shi Beach Washington - August 2008

Random google images of this place. I couldnt carry a camera with the rest of my gear I had packed. It was too much for the 5 mile hike down. By hike I mean mud, cliffs, and rocks.

The Art of Words

2009-05-12T13:20:00.000-07:00

I'm currently in San Francisco with a friend mine from high school who I make a point to connect with on a regular basis. She's great, taking me around the city and everything else - on the only day off I have here. So far I dig this place. It isnt like the rest of California - which I loathe. It sort of has more character than any of the other cities.

My travel schedule is in full swing. Next week is the only week I am in Ohio then i'm gone for pretty much the rest of the summer with a few weeks here and there back home. I'm definitely excited.

I'm kind of sick of seing galleries and museums unless they include nude work or some of my favorite photographers/painters. I truly believe the key to modern art is words. The majority of people are ignorant and will believe anything you tell them if you use some great wording/adjectives to describe something they dont understand.

I remember looking at Jackson Pollock's work and thinking; "alright." I watched this social experiment and they placed a splattered painting a 4 year old did beside a Jackson Pollock painting thinking they were both his. The guy doing the documentary asked; "why do you like the one on the left (gesturing to the 4 year old's painting)?" A woman said; "oh it has so much depth and soul. Like a lost hurt soul." He said; "Well that painting was done by a 4 year old. Perhaps she was so hurt because her mother told her she couldnt have cookies until after dinner."

I try to convey a story with my photography and evoke emotion and something to relate to the viewer or to make them understand something. I mean christ, there was a white paper with a black circle on it that went for insane prices because people thought it was; "interesting and moving." .....

I mean we live in the media center of the world. Tell the public something and the majority will believe it to be true. Ah what's the old Hitler quote; "How fortunate for the leaders the masses do not think." - kind of related.

Touche.

I title this airport aggression.

Dear Momma

2009-05-10T21:24:00.000-07:00

I love you for the similar reasons Tupac wrote his song.

I'm packing for San Francisco tomorrow. I havent been there before. I've been all over California and the west coast but never this city. So we'll see.

I've been home all week which is stange for me so i've been doing a lot of networking and contemplating life which is what I do best - Miss Thinker.

Between conversations with one of my best friends Lauren about gangsta rap and dolphins to - philosophy...

Happy Muthaluvin Day:

http://www.hulu.com/watch/72434/saturday-night-live-motherlover#s-p1-st-i1

My son made me a paper plate with his handprint and threw a card at me because he hoped it would make a sound. My little Mr Wonderful:

Guts

2009-05-08T23:32:00.000-07:00

My first Chuck Palahniuk novel was GUTS - if you have a weak stomach please leave.

I appreciate great writing just as I do photography.

I could have titled this blog "HANDS" but how interesting would that have been?

Self portrait with Arista 400 - 35mm - Rodinal developer - in Canada.

Nine Inch Nail

2009-05-07T22:45:00.000-07:00

My job is my passion. Whether the conditions to model in are - 17 degrees in a blizzard, above the treeline in 50mph winds, in fresh waterfalls which feel like you are in an icecube, or when you step on a nail and push through two shoots because you dont want to let the artist down and you want to do your job...

and well, this happens;

by George Pitts - who brought racks of clothing up only to find my purist nature intriguing.... while my foot was swollen and infected.

I offered to take the bandage off - he liked it.

In the Thrall of It All

2009-05-05T21:53:00.000-07:00

I want to document my life - i feel i've been doing well so far but I want to concentrate on it. My life is quite interesting I think, as it has very many aspects.

On that note I developed 2 rolls today of Arista 400 with Rodinal - perfect combo. I feel they say volumes:

Aidan cannot speak but....this is right after he said; "Melmo" when he stopped working and then shoved him on the ground;

This is when he fell asleep on the floor;

I walked into his room today and almost started crying when I saw everything turned upside down and the way things were positioned/stacked due to his obsessions. I grabbed his blanket and sat down on the bed and just cried.

I decided I should document it.

....

Purist

2009-05-04T21:13:00.000-07:00

I had a conversation with a very intelligent and very talented photographer recently who was apparently interested in my answers to his questions.

At the end of our shoot he mentioned something that was interesting to me and makes a lot of sense. He said; "you are a purist." I thought about it and he's right. I hate labels, but this is more true than false.

I could list things from I am a real person, I like real people, emotion, music that combines those, film, i hate clothes, and most of all things at their purest form are beautiful and go on and on. But.... it is true I appreciate original things in all form.

Thanks George, you are right.

Naked is good.

Self portrait - 35 mm.

Remedy

2009-04-30T14:25:00.000-07:00

I just returned home from New York. My feet are aching. I had an eventful week (aside from Tuesday and the bad sushi) with enough work with people I enjoy, including branches and thorns scraping my legs while climbing rocks in upstate and one morning at 5am in Central Park with the sun rising. Very fun, very productive - not to mention I havent actually walked in Central Park for a couple of years. Breakfast and a tiny nap afterwards, then I realized I had an entire afternoon with no bookings. I tell people I live underground here, meaning I am always on the subway or a train going to a shoot or meeting friends. I never see above the ground and when I do I am on a mission - similar to a New Yorker. Having said that, I hadnt been to the MOMA before. So I went.

The photography section wasnt impressive at all but the exhibition on the American West was just phenomenal. Images of the famous photo of the woman from the Great Depression, to Ansel Adams and Weston's landscapes, to modern photographs of a bum sleeping on John Lennon's star in Hollywood. Wonderful collection.

After 2 hours of roaming the museum and lots of walking I met with my old friends Sanders McNew and his very pregnant wife Melanie. He's the one that initially brought me to NYC for the first time. I've been addicted ever since.

I miss my little guy and I have a week off - sort of. I have one local shoot and a bunch of networking for San Francisco the following week.. excited about that. I also have one roll of film to develop this weekend. I didnt have time in the last week to do it so i'll tackle that. Sanders recommended a film I hadnt heard anyone say before, so i'll buy that this week and test it out.

For now a nice bath and a foot massage would be fan-fucking tastic.

This is just a candid shot from Colin with his Rollei.

If I Ruled The World

2009-04-26T20:55:00.000-07:00

... no philosophical comment on this just the great Nas song.

Obviously a different spectrum from myself but a good question.

I'm packed for NYC in my little backpack I always take and my netbook. I never have a large amount of luggage because after all I am always naked...

I have all day on Thursday free, perhaps i'll finally see MOMA or maybe i'll just walk through central park... or maybe i'll do what I always do run through subways...

Now if I could only be photographed doing this naked.

Sarah-go-round from my friend Lauren Herosian.

I dont give a fuck.

Come As You Are

2009-04-25T22:36:00.000-07:00

The first record that meant anything to me was when I was 11 years old hearing Smells Like Teen Spirit for the first time. Soundgarden, STP, and everything else made sense then. You heard that song and thought; "yeah this is it..".

Keep in mind the first actual record I heard and remember quite vividly was (remembering my parents had a lot of records)... was Gimme Shelter on Let It Bleed from the Rolling Stones. When I was younger I pulled out the record with a song I knew and genuinely liked as a 6 year old and played it over and over again with Bob Seger and Fleetwood Mac. It was music to my ears so to speak.

I remember about 15 years ago introducing my dad to Nirvana. He liked Come As You Are because there was no "bullshit".

Indeed Dad.

I took this of him a year ago and i'm proud of it as this is how he is. He is used to his daughter with a camera - so no need to pose.

"A Different Life"

2009-04-17T19:42:00.000-07:00

I dont have much to say tonight.... all is good now. I mean after all the worst is the fact I could be captured by a Somali pirate....

I was listening to NPR on my drive back and remembered a program I heard a few days before. A young man around his mid 20's struggling with Velo-Cardio-Facial syndrome. It's the second most common genetic disorder. It affects thousands of Americans, many of them have no idea it is cause of their learning disabilities. This young man knew a child with Fragile X Syndrome and mentioned how similar some of the symptoms are. I almost called into the show to ask how his parents tell him they dealt with it, but I didnt. His book is the title of my blog, which I intend to read.

He said something that struck me which was how his doctors told him he's never be able to do math... in high school he excelled in Algebra. His thought on this? You can do Anything you put your mind to.

Indeed.

http://wamu.org/programs/dr/09/04/13.php#25479 There is the program.

The first image is his version of bowling.

The second is him burping his baby after feeding 'him' a cheeseburger - this imaginary play is very crucial....

If only we could all be this happy.

Glory Box

2009-04-05T18:30:00.000-07:00

I'm so tired, of playing
Playing with this bow and arrow
Gonna give my heart away
Leave it to the other girls to play
For I've been a temptress too long

Just. .

Give me a reason to love you
Give me a reason to be, a woman
I just wanna be a woman

From this time, unchained
We're all looking at a different picture
Through this new frame of mind
A thousand flowers could bloom
Move over, and give us some room

So don't you stop, being a man
Just take a little look from our side when you can
Sow a little tenderness
No matter if you cry

For this is the beginning of forever and ever

Its time to move over...

- Portishead

Everyone should see this glorious woman:

My uncle is in this hospital tonight - has been for the past 3 days. Internal bleeding which caused a massive heart attack. Colon or stomach, we'll find out tomorrow. He's one of the greatest people to walk this earth. He's kind, giving, happy, never upset (i've never once seen him angry or sad my entire life), always willing to help without anything in return. We could all learn a thing or two from him and people like this.

I miss being happy for no reason.... well for a big reason without realizing it...

Angst

2009-03-22T19:32:00.000-07:00

I'm taking the week off, because I need it and because I can. The nurse who gave me my tetinus shot for stepping on a nail last week hit a nerve and I couldnt use my arm for a while. It's fine now and my foot is almost healed. I think that would warrant a rare week off for me.

Then to Baltimore the next week. I havent been there in almost a year so I am looking forward to it.

After 2+ years the battery in my 35mm has finally died. Looks like it's all manual cameras now. I wish I had a scanner for them... sigh. The upside is, I ordered a 'new' (refurb) laptop and it should be here in a few days. I dont think anyone understands the destruction that will happen to this current one. Photo time!

I'm a nice person but when angst occurs I can fake it:

KLeo Chicago

"Special Olympics"

2009-03-21T17:02:00.000-07:00

For some reason our media is trying to blow up what President Obama said on a late night entertainment talk show recently.

I'm not sure people from the Special Olympics are that outraged but let me say I am in no way offended. As a mother of a special needs son I did not find it offensive at all. People that do, really need to check their emotions and why they are upset.

It's almost like being upset at someone who says something is; "retarded." Typically they are just trying to find something to pick a fight over, have anger issues, or are incredibly sensitive/defensive.

Focus on positive things, not a minor comment made that was in no way trying to be insensitive or making fun of.

http://www.breitbart.com/article.php?id=D971TJ1O0&show_article=1

The 35-year-old McConiughey has been bowling since he was 8 or 9. His advice for Obama? Practice every day.

Now THIS is how people should have reacted. This is coming from someone with special needs.

Get a grip people.

Here Comes the Boom

2009-03-19T22:19:00.000-07:00

...that song is from a great movie called Belly. I felt alone with that opinion until today...

Hobbling from upstate to the city and then from Penn Station to a hotel on the lower eastside..

I was surprised to know the photographer I was working with was quite famous during the middle of the shoot, casually it occurred to me...

I didnt care, he was a great person, very smart, very nice, and very charismatic. That's a great shoot... and great experience in general.

He remembered the fact I told him I wanted to take pictures of my bandaged foot for self portraits in this room. He kind of thought it was endearing and then understood why I took self portraits... i'm not giving this guy enough credit... he's brilliant and incredibly gifted. I'm glad to have met him and created art with him.

Looking out my window at the cabs whizzing by in the NYC light on the east side I am pissed.

My battery is dead in my 35mm after 3 years. I should have brought the Agfa...

Agfa Record 6x9 self portrait

Dedication

2009-03-18T20:40:00.000-07:00

Six shoots later in New Yawk...

There has always been this fundamental question of dedication...

In the modeling world, things like posing nude in the snow/wind/rain etc. Along with hours on end of difficult poses and people, traveling, exhaustion. Is it all worth it? Fuck yes it is.

Today I shot at an abandoned all girl's school a couple of hours from the city. It was absolutely gorgeous. Windy, chilly, watching out for shards of glass. Then the shoot is finished, i'm climing out of a window and BAM, I land on a nail. A nail used to board up the windows recently (which someone convienently pried off). It wasnt a rusty nail but it went through my shoe and punctured my foot. I was wearing tennis shoes and I didnt think anything of it at first. I looked at my foot in the car and it looked fine but was a little sore. At the train station an hour later it gets considerably worse and a bit swollen. I washed it, put a band aid and some antibiotic ointment on. I still push through my next 4 hour shoot. I finally realize I cant walk on my foot. I get peroxide and more bandages. I've been soaking it and patching it up for about 4 hours now. I'm currently in my hotel elevating it and letting it breathe.

I have two shoots tomorrow and a shit-ton of walking.

Um, yeah we'll see. I get a tetinus shot on Friday when I return just in case. In the mean time I hope the swelling and soreness goes down.

This is a random google image but here is the location:

Unbelievably gorgeous.

Drive

2009-03-13T18:28:00.000-07:00

Drove back to Ohio today. I love driving to North Carolina but not from there. I always have a great time while there. Productive as well but mostly spending time with my girl Lauren is the shit.

Lots of wine, film, Kitteh, Bojangles, and of course cant forget the gangsta rap.

Im exhausted so here's what I developed:

Aidan waking up, Yashica Mat TLR:

he learned how to sign; "play". That makes me happy.

No Quarter

2009-03-09T16:36:00.000-07:00

I revisted the cover to this classic Zepplin song today by Tool: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BdQGSykj6vo

I literally havent heard this song in at least 2 years. I just nodded my head and had a smile on my face among other things...

The last couple of days have been interesting. With some biting of nails and obsessively waiting, finally i'm driving to Raleigh tomorrow/today. Theraputic, productive, and well who can beat watching Homeland Security USA with my girl Lauren.

I needed this drive. I'm sick of planes and airports. Just me in my car with music/NPR and wonderful scenery, along with 80 degrees and sunny.

More good news... i'm booked solid for NYC. My most productive trip there to date. Very happy about that.

For now, here is the last roll of 35 that just finished drying. Even though this scanner isnt scanning the way the negs look, I still love this:

Ecstatic

2009-03-07T12:10:00.000-08:00

if only that were true... financial problems for a week and then I will be. Desperately trying to make North Carolina happen....

I read one of the most amazing books in recent memory. Considering my favorite books are Mein Kampf, Chuck Palahniuk writings, House of Leaves, and A Clockwork Orange... this one is a bit different. The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-Time by Mark Haddon. A great friend gave it to me to read. I read the entire thing on plane trips to and from Boston. The plane was decending as I finished the last line; "I can do anything.." It's a first person narrative of a boy with autism. The way it is written is absolutely astonishing. It's sweet, sad, and frightening. I completely empathise with both parents on a base level. The book itself has tremendous reviews of "moving", "perfection", to numerous other positive and emotional feedback. In my opinion, I completely understood the book and found it captivating. I cant really say much else except it moved me to tears, and i've never had a book do that to me before. Read more about it: http://www.amazon.com/Curious-Incident-Dog-Night-Time/dp/1400032717

I think i'm going to take the day off. Go outside, do some cartwheels, and photograph my son wearing a; "Already Smarter Than..." above a picture of George W Bush.

So perhaps I am, after all, ecstatic:

Getting There....

2009-03-06T06:53:00.000-08:00

Leaving Boston today... when it finally warms up. Apparently it will be in the 60's when I land in Columbus this afternoon... I was staying with Shandra Stark (who is a wonderful art model and a great girl). We're going to travel to San Fran together in May and then drive to L.A. to stay with Will Springfield and his wonderful studio. We're working on getting a workshop together there with a third model.. so stay tuned.

Had a great time here like I always do, aside from the cancellations. Hopefully I can make my rent. I'l know when I check my mail...

I hope to make a trip to North Carolina Monday. It will depend on confirmation of 1-2 photographers, whom I love working with. I could use the theraputic drive by myself and visiting my girl, Lauren and her crazy ass.

I'll be in New York in a little over a week. I'm almost booked solid there and i'm quite happy about that. Hopefully the weather cooperates for once.

I'll see my little midget tonight and I couldnt be more excited.

Until then...

Candid by Ron Skei, Vancouver December 30th.

The Naked Eye

2009-02-26T18:06:00.000-08:00

Apparently I should photograph kids...

Aidan in a rare still moment:

Amaris (my niece) and her crown:

Amaris (my niece) being a ham:

My niece and nephew:

and bowling wine induced:

James being dainty;

Him

2009-02-25T00:26:00.000-08:00

I'm happy today.. whatever happens. These scans tonight made me realize how far a smile can stretch...

he doesnt kmow why this picture happened, he doesnt get the social aspect and may never....

"No!"

2009-02-23T22:02:00.000-08:00

Aidan said this yesterday. I literally fell on the floor. I was taking his tray from his highchair (because he was eating something messy and i'm a neatfreak) and he didnt like that. So he said; 'no'. He knew what he said and probably wont say it for a long time if ever... but I heard it and I hugged him.

I've developed a whole 3 rolls in the past week. I'm almost addicted to it... well that's not a good term to use. Most neighbors would probably think i'm running a meth lab by now.. I'm glad i live in a progressive comminity where no one cares what anyone else is doing unless it includes themselves.... mm fixer.

I have 3 rolls to develop. I'll do one tomorrow and two on Thursday. Yeah..... and I hope Scotland is on one of them...

Boston in less than a week. Wicked awesome.

Aidan listening to Tool:

Her father died that morning (she's become a good friend):